This is a subject so painful that most 45 yo+ parents are experiencing it and NO ONE is talking about it. Well, I'm going to talk about it. I've made a personal research project the last year of asking parents of millennials if they've been canceled by one or more of their children.
Hi Robin, I was curious if you have come across the opposite situation, where a Millennial (me) has been (not quite) cancelled by a Gen X/Boomer parent? I lean more conservative and especially in the past few years have become very freedom-minded, but my mom has gone full-on liberal (she used to say Ronald Reagan was the best president, and I'm still trying to figure out what happened). She still comes to visit to see her grandbabies, but it is difficult to have a conversation and I don't share much with her because I don't want to be attacked. She has called me stupid for not getting the shot (while pregnant, mind you) and I just don't know what, if anything, I can do to have more than a superficial relationship.
I have seen that. Less of it but I’ve seen it. I think the digital age where so much of our communication is via device — makes it so much easier to “cancel” someone. I have a superficial relationship with one of my parents too. For my own safety. I forgave her and still do, for my childhood of horrific physical abuse. But she continued some really awful behavior well after she asked me for forgiveness for (her words, she wrote me a letter) my childhood where she was “cruel relentlessly.” So. I don’t cancel her. She gave me life. And she herself was abused as well. That doesn’t mean she’s my best friend. For sure many of the stories I shared on the Fb post that became this “open letter” are complex and of course the Gen X parents can be very flawed as well! The point was how many entitled millenials have been so overindulged that they cancel their parents over the slightest thing. I for one am very glad you didn’t get that shot. ESPECIALLY while pregnant!
Sounds like she's not respecting your welfare the way a parent should. I've seen this happen to children over this whole controversy. We try and tell ppl the truth and they get mad. Patience and kindness are important but so is not allowing someone a platform to berade you over a medical decision. I think you made the right choice for yourself and your children. It's ridiculous to me how any parent can be so brainwashed as to try to force their child to inject an experimental drug.
You wrote: "None of my kids could say they weren't given every opportunity I could: entrepreneurial, humanitarian, job and career coaching, sports, music, academic. Love and support. Imperfect love and support, I am sure.... I made sure they had blue sky to do anything they showed interest in."
That essentially describes me, too. I had a marvellous relationship with my son up until he was 27, and then when I warned him to take his time and not to be in such a hurry to marry his current girlfriend (he has had many nice girlfriends previously, but was then on the rebound, and she exhibited all the classic symptoms of BPD and the red flags were flying), he verbally assaulted me for the first time ever (I was in such shock I couldn't speak), and then he cancelled me (most likely at the behest of his girlfriend). He then married his emotionally volatile girlfriend. We live in different countries.
A year later, he tried to reconcile, of a sorts, half-apologizing via email but blaming me for his verbal assault, but what he wanted from me first (his demands, which sounded just like a BPD's set of required grovelling points) was something I was not willing to do. I'm not into personal debasement and am not a masochist. So I told him so, and that he was being disrespectful. There were many more years of no contact. Ten years have gone by, and recently, he's sent a few short, shallow emails per year -- my birthday and perhaps Christmas or Mother's Day. I sometimes reply briefly, but not always. I suspect that his wife has realized that, since my son is my only child, and I am lucky enough to be financially "comfortable," it's in their best interests for my son to ensure that he will inherit. I see no other reason why he would take a few minutes out of his year to send a superficial email or two.
The good news is that as the years go by, the hurt feelings are much less painful. My family other than my son are wonderful (I am very close with my siblings), and my volunteer work keeps me very busy in my retirement. I am fortunate in many ways, and very thankful for that.
Thanks for your substack post. I knew early on that I wasn't alone in this kind of painful family situation. As a woman in my 20s, I knew a mother, a close family friend of my parents, whose oldest daughter, who was my age and whom I knew well as a friend, cancelled her, but her other 2 children did not. I really liked the mother, and I once tried to talk to my friend (the daughter/canceler) to try to find out if she felt that there might be a path forward to reconciliation with her mother, but my friend angrily recited all the things that upset her about her mother's actions, which included anger at her mother for taking grandma's ruby ring once grandma died, instead of giving it to her, and then she cancelled me as a friend (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding party). After that experience, I have never again tried to be a go-between.
Oh yeah, she probably love bombed him and gave him whatever he wanted when he was vunerable. Men are really suspectible this way. I'm so sorry, you deserve to have your Son in your life and a good daughter-in-law. Too many narcissistic manipulative ppl out there.
I'm not a parent but have experienced this with family, although things are thankfully better now. I know lots of parents in the 40-70yr old bracket who are going through this. No one's family is perfect but if there's love, that's all you need. This kids are in for a rude awakening when they realise the value of family and they won't be able to get those years back.
There is a political disconnect between me and my sons. But the larger disconnect came from fear born of the Covidocrasy that continues to this day. My oldest son will come to my door but refuses to enter. Though I own the house in which he, his wife, and my grandsons live, I have not been welcome there. I have not been asked to visit my youngest son either. Since the induced fear of covid, no more family dinners. At holidays my wife and I have been alone. It seems as though we live on a strange planet—a sort of living death.
Throw Your Parents Under The Bus—not even fellowship:
Mark 7:11-13
English Standard Version
11 But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)[a]— 12 then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, 13 thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.”
This happened to a lady in my prayer group. She has some contact but it's limited and no in-person home visits, no Christmas dinners. I was fired for non-participation of this medical tyranny. The thousands of others in my group also had zero contact during the holidays, everyone else met, but they were excluded. One young lady I spoke with was told by relatives "you can come and stay but you have to stay in the trailer and we'll leave your Christmas dinner outside" Her family lives somewhere extremely cold in winter. This heartlessness and total loss of critical thinking is extremely disturbing. May the Lord restore us all to our senses.
This happened to me. Only worse. While in the midst of one of my daughter's shunning of me, she unexpectedly died. It had happened several times over the years. Sometimes lasting only a few months and sometimes lasting years. She was 40 when she died and left behind a distraught husband and three young children. I can't describe what it's like to lose your child. It's too painful and there aren't really any words that can convey how horrific it is. But having your child die while she is mad at you is many times worse. Not for lack of trying, I wasn't able to get back into her good graces in time, as I had usually done before. We simply ran out of time and now it can never happen. The thought that her life ended with her hating me is overwhelmingly sad. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
So sorry for your loss. Have a friend who is dealing/dealt with this. Her daughter died of the flu when she was only 20 years old, in 2019. They had an on again off again relationship but it was off when she died. She has come to terms with it now but still has her moments.
I am so sorry. My 42 year old daughter has shunned me for long months at a time in the past 6 years. It is so painful and I walk on eggshells right now to remain in her life. It really is not a relationship when I have to be so cautious. My son canceled me the night of Jan 6 because I would not renounce my political stance, denying that Trump caused the "insurrection". I fear that one of them would die and not feel the love I have for them. Your story breaks my heart. It is comforting to know we are not walking this isolated road alone; and I have powerful faith and comfort in Christ. I also have very healthy relationship with my stepsons and their families who are so loving.
Unfortunately, his plan is to sell their home and move to Berlin, Germany. I have been unsuccessful with all of my attempts to try and talk him into remaining in US and he is certain that his family will have a much better life in Berlin. I don't know why and I don't understand his thinking at all. He isn't German. He doesn't speak German. He doesn't know anyone in Germany. He doesn't have a job or housing lined up in Germany. I'm truly afraid that I will hardly ever see my three grandchildren again because he says that once he leaves he will never come back, not even for a visit. To say that my heart has been shattered would be a gross understatement. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I'm sure you are right and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your comment but the truth is that, after all he's been through with losing the love of his life and Mother of his children, I wouldn't presume to pressure him. He has his reasons and insists that he and my daughter were in agreement about never going back to the US, which I know firsthand to be the case since she told me many times herself. I guess I'd better get my passport renewed and get a part time job to supplement my social security if I ever want to see them again. I can do it. I have to. I promised my daughter that if anything ever happened to her I would always be there for John and her children. I want to add that he is doing an amazing job taking care of the children also. I am really proud of him.
My children are older than millennials and neither one talk to me. My oldest ( a daughter) hasn't spoken to me in 17 yrs and that happens to be when I discovered a tumor in my breast. (I am still dealing with cancer, with natural therapies) My son, a similar situation. I have no contact with my grandchildren either........the eldest is 35 yrs old!! This is the first I have heard anything like what you have written. I have left out a lot of details. My daughter even requested me to be at the home births of her first 2 children. This is so bizarre. We have no family in our elder yrs.
I have missed so much of their lives and have missed sharing and seeing even what they look like.
Thank you for writing about this even though my time period is different than what you wrote about.
I have been judged also. Even my brother only said " just keep the lines of communication open". The problem is that it has been a one way street....meaning I tried. My daughter wouldn't even let me know where she lived! In the past I wouldn't tell many people about this. Now if it comes up I tell it like it is and don't feel guilty (or try not to). Thanks for your post.
So sorry - I was directed to this substack from another with lots of similar stories to yours. And am part of a FB group (education reform) where this comes up way too often. My daughter and I's relationship exists, but it's a tenuous one. Hard to say if this is 'new' or a result of the culture shifts. Know my mom tells me of an aunt who was shunned by the family after her husband committed suicide, this was back in the 40's. She was in grade school, could do nothing about it, but still looks back on that as a terrible thing.
Hi Robin, I was curious if you have come across the opposite situation, where a Millennial (me) has been (not quite) cancelled by a Gen X/Boomer parent? I lean more conservative and especially in the past few years have become very freedom-minded, but my mom has gone full-on liberal (she used to say Ronald Reagan was the best president, and I'm still trying to figure out what happened). She still comes to visit to see her grandbabies, but it is difficult to have a conversation and I don't share much with her because I don't want to be attacked. She has called me stupid for not getting the shot (while pregnant, mind you) and I just don't know what, if anything, I can do to have more than a superficial relationship.
I have seen that. Less of it but I’ve seen it. I think the digital age where so much of our communication is via device — makes it so much easier to “cancel” someone. I have a superficial relationship with one of my parents too. For my own safety. I forgave her and still do, for my childhood of horrific physical abuse. But she continued some really awful behavior well after she asked me for forgiveness for (her words, she wrote me a letter) my childhood where she was “cruel relentlessly.” So. I don’t cancel her. She gave me life. And she herself was abused as well. That doesn’t mean she’s my best friend. For sure many of the stories I shared on the Fb post that became this “open letter” are complex and of course the Gen X parents can be very flawed as well! The point was how many entitled millenials have been so overindulged that they cancel their parents over the slightest thing. I for one am very glad you didn’t get that shot. ESPECIALLY while pregnant!
Sounds like she's not respecting your welfare the way a parent should. I've seen this happen to children over this whole controversy. We try and tell ppl the truth and they get mad. Patience and kindness are important but so is not allowing someone a platform to berade you over a medical decision. I think you made the right choice for yourself and your children. It's ridiculous to me how any parent can be so brainwashed as to try to force their child to inject an experimental drug.
You wrote: "None of my kids could say they weren't given every opportunity I could: entrepreneurial, humanitarian, job and career coaching, sports, music, academic. Love and support. Imperfect love and support, I am sure.... I made sure they had blue sky to do anything they showed interest in."
That essentially describes me, too. I had a marvellous relationship with my son up until he was 27, and then when I warned him to take his time and not to be in such a hurry to marry his current girlfriend (he has had many nice girlfriends previously, but was then on the rebound, and she exhibited all the classic symptoms of BPD and the red flags were flying), he verbally assaulted me for the first time ever (I was in such shock I couldn't speak), and then he cancelled me (most likely at the behest of his girlfriend). He then married his emotionally volatile girlfriend. We live in different countries.
A year later, he tried to reconcile, of a sorts, half-apologizing via email but blaming me for his verbal assault, but what he wanted from me first (his demands, which sounded just like a BPD's set of required grovelling points) was something I was not willing to do. I'm not into personal debasement and am not a masochist. So I told him so, and that he was being disrespectful. There were many more years of no contact. Ten years have gone by, and recently, he's sent a few short, shallow emails per year -- my birthday and perhaps Christmas or Mother's Day. I sometimes reply briefly, but not always. I suspect that his wife has realized that, since my son is my only child, and I am lucky enough to be financially "comfortable," it's in their best interests for my son to ensure that he will inherit. I see no other reason why he would take a few minutes out of his year to send a superficial email or two.
The good news is that as the years go by, the hurt feelings are much less painful. My family other than my son are wonderful (I am very close with my siblings), and my volunteer work keeps me very busy in my retirement. I am fortunate in many ways, and very thankful for that.
Thanks for your substack post. I knew early on that I wasn't alone in this kind of painful family situation. As a woman in my 20s, I knew a mother, a close family friend of my parents, whose oldest daughter, who was my age and whom I knew well as a friend, cancelled her, but her other 2 children did not. I really liked the mother, and I once tried to talk to my friend (the daughter/canceler) to try to find out if she felt that there might be a path forward to reconciliation with her mother, but my friend angrily recited all the things that upset her about her mother's actions, which included anger at her mother for taking grandma's ruby ring once grandma died, instead of giving it to her, and then she cancelled me as a friend (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding party). After that experience, I have never again tried to be a go-between.
Oh yeah, she probably love bombed him and gave him whatever he wanted when he was vunerable. Men are really suspectible this way. I'm so sorry, you deserve to have your Son in your life and a good daughter-in-law. Too many narcissistic manipulative ppl out there.
I'm not a parent but have experienced this with family, although things are thankfully better now. I know lots of parents in the 40-70yr old bracket who are going through this. No one's family is perfect but if there's love, that's all you need. This kids are in for a rude awakening when they realise the value of family and they won't be able to get those years back.
There is a political disconnect between me and my sons. But the larger disconnect came from fear born of the Covidocrasy that continues to this day. My oldest son will come to my door but refuses to enter. Though I own the house in which he, his wife, and my grandsons live, I have not been welcome there. I have not been asked to visit my youngest son either. Since the induced fear of covid, no more family dinners. At holidays my wife and I have been alone. It seems as though we live on a strange planet—a sort of living death.
Throw Your Parents Under The Bus—not even fellowship:
Mark 7:11-13
English Standard Version
11 But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)[a]— 12 then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, 13 thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.”
This happened to a lady in my prayer group. She has some contact but it's limited and no in-person home visits, no Christmas dinners. I was fired for non-participation of this medical tyranny. The thousands of others in my group also had zero contact during the holidays, everyone else met, but they were excluded. One young lady I spoke with was told by relatives "you can come and stay but you have to stay in the trailer and we'll leave your Christmas dinner outside" Her family lives somewhere extremely cold in winter. This heartlessness and total loss of critical thinking is extremely disturbing. May the Lord restore us all to our senses.
This happened to me. Only worse. While in the midst of one of my daughter's shunning of me, she unexpectedly died. It had happened several times over the years. Sometimes lasting only a few months and sometimes lasting years. She was 40 when she died and left behind a distraught husband and three young children. I can't describe what it's like to lose your child. It's too painful and there aren't really any words that can convey how horrific it is. But having your child die while she is mad at you is many times worse. Not for lack of trying, I wasn't able to get back into her good graces in time, as I had usually done before. We simply ran out of time and now it can never happen. The thought that her life ended with her hating me is overwhelmingly sad. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Very sorry about the loss of your dear daughter.
So sorry for your loss. Have a friend who is dealing/dealt with this. Her daughter died of the flu when she was only 20 years old, in 2019. They had an on again off again relationship but it was off when she died. She has come to terms with it now but still has her moments.
I am so sorry. My 42 year old daughter has shunned me for long months at a time in the past 6 years. It is so painful and I walk on eggshells right now to remain in her life. It really is not a relationship when I have to be so cautious. My son canceled me the night of Jan 6 because I would not renounce my political stance, denying that Trump caused the "insurrection". I fear that one of them would die and not feel the love I have for them. Your story breaks my heart. It is comforting to know we are not walking this isolated road alone; and I have powerful faith and comfort in Christ. I also have very healthy relationship with my stepsons and their families who are so loving.
I'm so sorry for your great loss. I hope at least that your son-in-law will allow you to be a part of your grandchildren's lives.
Unfortunately, his plan is to sell their home and move to Berlin, Germany. I have been unsuccessful with all of my attempts to try and talk him into remaining in US and he is certain that his family will have a much better life in Berlin. I don't know why and I don't understand his thinking at all. He isn't German. He doesn't speak German. He doesn't know anyone in Germany. He doesn't have a job or housing lined up in Germany. I'm truly afraid that I will hardly ever see my three grandchildren again because he says that once he leaves he will never come back, not even for a visit. To say that my heart has been shattered would be a gross understatement. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I’m pretty sure you have rights as a grandparent. Maybe it’s worth investigating?
I'm sure you are right and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your comment but the truth is that, after all he's been through with losing the love of his life and Mother of his children, I wouldn't presume to pressure him. He has his reasons and insists that he and my daughter were in agreement about never going back to the US, which I know firsthand to be the case since she told me many times herself. I guess I'd better get my passport renewed and get a part time job to supplement my social security if I ever want to see them again. I can do it. I have to. I promised my daughter that if anything ever happened to her I would always be there for John and her children. I want to add that he is doing an amazing job taking care of the children also. I am really proud of him.
My children are older than millennials and neither one talk to me. My oldest ( a daughter) hasn't spoken to me in 17 yrs and that happens to be when I discovered a tumor in my breast. (I am still dealing with cancer, with natural therapies) My son, a similar situation. I have no contact with my grandchildren either........the eldest is 35 yrs old!! This is the first I have heard anything like what you have written. I have left out a lot of details. My daughter even requested me to be at the home births of her first 2 children. This is so bizarre. We have no family in our elder yrs.
I have missed so much of their lives and have missed sharing and seeing even what they look like.
Thank you for writing about this even though my time period is different than what you wrote about.
I have been judged also. Even my brother only said " just keep the lines of communication open". The problem is that it has been a one way street....meaning I tried. My daughter wouldn't even let me know where she lived! In the past I wouldn't tell many people about this. Now if it comes up I tell it like it is and don't feel guilty (or try not to). Thanks for your post.
So sorry - I was directed to this substack from another with lots of similar stories to yours. And am part of a FB group (education reform) where this comes up way too often. My daughter and I's relationship exists, but it's a tenuous one. Hard to say if this is 'new' or a result of the culture shifts. Know my mom tells me of an aunt who was shunned by the family after her husband committed suicide, this was back in the 40's. She was in grade school, could do nothing about it, but still looks back on that as a terrible thing.
Well said, the breakdown of the family unit is a core goal for the communist infiltration of the Americas.