Open Letter to Parents Canceled by Their Children

This is a subject so painful that most 45 yo+ parents are experiencing it and NO ONE is talking about it.

Well, I'm going to talk about it.

I've made a personal research project the last year of asking parents of millennials if they've been canceled by one or more of their children.

It's MOST. It's the vast majority.

It's not a question you just ask someone you've just met, at a cocktail party. For me to even get an honest answer to the question, I must first share that (a) it has happened to me, my oldest has not talked to me for 8 years, and (b) I've been researching this and find that the vast majority of my friends are living with this reality.

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I have three friends I can think of off the top of my head, who ALL their children have canceled them. Of course we all don't know what goes on behind the scenes, and I'm sure the first thought is, "What did these parents do, that their children don't talk to them?!"

(If you're not in the demographic experiencing this, or if you're one of the lucky ones this has not happened to, you're the most likely to judge.)

The few I know who AREN'T experiencing this, are all intact families where the marriage is strong.

But I know intact, united, strong couples who have lost both their children, too.

The people I know who ALL of their children have canceled them, they are good people who gave their all to parenting. They are devastated. They do not talk to this to just anybody they meet.

I met a woman the other night who was telling the others at the table about how great her 40-yo and 36-yo children are.

Due to my professional background, I can get to the truth faster than most. I asked a few pointed questions and found that actually, neither of her children have talked to her for years, and she has not seen her 14-yo granddaughter since she was 8.

The millennials canceling their parents often even deny their parents access to their own children. These are good people aching to be grandparents.

People share this information only if they feel safe in the conversation and with who they're talking to. But OMG how they need support.

When they DO start telling you about it? It comes out like a waterfall--of grief.

There are complex, multi-faceted dynamics going on in our culture that I believe has led to this absolutely epidemic of Millennials canceling their Gen X parents.

The easiest way to explain it is: woke culture. Political correctness on steroids. And, rewards in the peer group for shunning, scorning, and even blocking their parents for apparently not meeting their (rather daunting) needs.

The Asian and Native American and many other cultures revere their elders. They do not have to be perfect people or parents, to be revered. It's just a cultural norm to honor and respect your elders, period. This isn't just healthy for the oldest generations, it's an incubator for healthy children and young adults, too.

All four of my grandparents were deeply flawed, traumatized people. (Trauma is everyone's favorite word these days.) One was a very cold person. One abused my mom. One was an alcoholic for decades and got married 5 times. One killed herself before I was born.

And I am deeply grateful and blessed for the impact they had on my life. The three who lived.

I myself was not a perfect parent, but I gave it everything. None of my kids could say they weren't given every opportunity I could: entrepreneurial, humanitarian, job and career coaching, sports, music, academic. Love and support. Imperfect love and support, I am sure.

I co-founded their charter schools; I sent them to third-world countries to serve; I made sure they had blue sky to do anything they showed interest in.

I felt guilty that I didn't sit on the floor with them for hours with building blocks or building forts with blankets and chairs, or the tea parties and dress up, or the video games.

I knew moms who did that. And I wondered if they were the good moms and I wasn't. Twenty years later now, those moms are having the same issues I am.

I wondered if being a good mom meant I had to bake cookies for them to come home to after school. I didn't bake a lot of cookies.

I tried to be a play therapist, too, as a psychotherapist, but my mind wandered and I wasn't good at that, and I chose other modalities and populations in my early career as a psychotherapist.

I did not shell out money for everything they wanted; I taught them to work; I taught them to do their best in school and treat the teachers and other kids with respect; I did not protect them from consequences; I did not yell at their teachers for failing them or their coaches for not playing them enough.

I had a thousand conversations with them about how to treat people and why it's so important to have strong core values and love God.

And it wasn't good enough for one of my children, and I have a second child who cancels either me or her dad for a year or more at a time, too.

If you are a canceled parent: please accept a virtual hug, and know that you are not alone. It feels like a death in the family, especially when it goes on for years.

I see you. I know that you loved your kids as much as anyone does, and did everything you could.

Let us hope and pray that life is long and things can change and God makes it right in the end.

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