No one person can possibly meet all the needs of another. As well, each of us changes as time goes by. Marriage sometimes seems to be entered into as a 'commitment to not change', which is obviously loaded with conflict. Perhaps it can be said that more and more maturity allows for more and more flexibility in what the relationship can be, and what it should be?
Thank you so much Robyn, for saying that you 'would have just stayed'. I have a friend who admitted once that her early divorce ---could have been avoided had she/they just tried harder to stay together. And just last night I met a woman who--with our knowing each other just 15 minutes(?) told me that her first marriage had failed, that 'we should never have married'. Then I look back at my own words, 'marriage had failed.' It surely is not the marriage that fails, but the people involved who fail at keeping the marriage. I approach 51 years of marriage--5 weeks away. There have been times when I was deeply, even blackly, unhappy--but I never wanted not to be married to him. Furthermore, an advantage of a religious wedding ceremony before their family and friends, is that the couple make promises before God, that family, those friends, and so, to God, that family, those friends.
You have a lot of wisdom! And 51 years of marriage I'm sure has a lot to do with it! I cannot say "we should never have married" when my four children came from that. It wasn't a happy marriage that went sour; it was a terrible mismatch, but I learned a lot and don't regret any of it.
People in their second marriages, the literature shows, tend to find someone they are much more compatible with. However, when both parties have minor children, the outcomes are absolutely terrible (92% divorce rate last I checked).
I took remarriage off the table when my children were minors, and a new single mom, as the outcomes are much more positive if ONE parent, at least, is very stable, and I was going to have to be that parent. I remarried 12 years later.
Congratulations on making it work and keeping your commitment for half a century! I don't know too many people married 50 years who didn't have some very dark times. But your story is very hopeful, for those in a very rough patch.
Not sure I think we need to label the people as failures--as it's well over half of us who pull the plug on a marriage, and half of those who stay report being unhappy, so blaming and shaming doesn't give people the room to find a new path forward, and I think that's important, too.
To be clear, I'm not sorry I'm not with the first guy; I just wouldn't get divorced, if I had known I could not control the outcomes and fallout for my children.
But, if the partner considering divorce, when children are involved, doesn't have chronic cheating or porn addiction or abuse they're up against, I bet they can push through and have a positive, stable marriage for 50 years as you have. It really helps, if both parties WANT to!
Very good analogy of women and men in marriages. I read most and it is so very true... comes together.
I just realized you are in Fl ! Thought all this time you were in Utah. When and where did you land in Fl?
I was there for 26 yrs from Ohio and came back here a yr ago but do t like at all even though my children are here! I’m coming back to Fl as soon as I can get financially prepared and my “things” packed up again and the condo sold!! At 82 this cold snow weather...I hate! Never did like .. I’ll be in gulf coast again (Dunedin-Clearwater) when I come back. Would love to meet up with you sometime if that’s possible.
Hi Ann! I'm on the East Coast. Glad you're coming back to the free(ish) state of FL! We love it, except for the hurricanes, July-Sept, and missing my kids. I was running protests from Mar 2020 to the end of the year, and the governor took the state woke and I wanted OUT! When you work online, you go where you're treated best, right? I haven't missed the snow at all, and I've lived without the skiing just fine. Just miss the people, and a much healthier population.
No one person can possibly meet all the needs of another. As well, each of us changes as time goes by. Marriage sometimes seems to be entered into as a 'commitment to not change', which is obviously loaded with conflict. Perhaps it can be said that more and more maturity allows for more and more flexibility in what the relationship can be, and what it should be?
Totally agree with you!
Three to get married, by Fulton Sheen is worth considering for your list.
will check it out, thank you!
Thank you so much Robyn, for saying that you 'would have just stayed'. I have a friend who admitted once that her early divorce ---could have been avoided had she/they just tried harder to stay together. And just last night I met a woman who--with our knowing each other just 15 minutes(?) told me that her first marriage had failed, that 'we should never have married'. Then I look back at my own words, 'marriage had failed.' It surely is not the marriage that fails, but the people involved who fail at keeping the marriage. I approach 51 years of marriage--5 weeks away. There have been times when I was deeply, even blackly, unhappy--but I never wanted not to be married to him. Furthermore, an advantage of a religious wedding ceremony before their family and friends, is that the couple make promises before God, that family, those friends, and so, to God, that family, those friends.
You have a lot of wisdom! And 51 years of marriage I'm sure has a lot to do with it! I cannot say "we should never have married" when my four children came from that. It wasn't a happy marriage that went sour; it was a terrible mismatch, but I learned a lot and don't regret any of it.
People in their second marriages, the literature shows, tend to find someone they are much more compatible with. However, when both parties have minor children, the outcomes are absolutely terrible (92% divorce rate last I checked).
I took remarriage off the table when my children were minors, and a new single mom, as the outcomes are much more positive if ONE parent, at least, is very stable, and I was going to have to be that parent. I remarried 12 years later.
Congratulations on making it work and keeping your commitment for half a century! I don't know too many people married 50 years who didn't have some very dark times. But your story is very hopeful, for those in a very rough patch.
Not sure I think we need to label the people as failures--as it's well over half of us who pull the plug on a marriage, and half of those who stay report being unhappy, so blaming and shaming doesn't give people the room to find a new path forward, and I think that's important, too.
To be clear, I'm not sorry I'm not with the first guy; I just wouldn't get divorced, if I had known I could not control the outcomes and fallout for my children.
But, if the partner considering divorce, when children are involved, doesn't have chronic cheating or porn addiction or abuse they're up against, I bet they can push through and have a positive, stable marriage for 50 years as you have. It really helps, if both parties WANT to!
Very good analogy of women and men in marriages. I read most and it is so very true... comes together.
I just realized you are in Fl ! Thought all this time you were in Utah. When and where did you land in Fl?
I was there for 26 yrs from Ohio and came back here a yr ago but do t like at all even though my children are here! I’m coming back to Fl as soon as I can get financially prepared and my “things” packed up again and the condo sold!! At 82 this cold snow weather...I hate! Never did like .. I’ll be in gulf coast again (Dunedin-Clearwater) when I come back. Would love to meet up with you sometime if that’s possible.
Blessings and enjoy the sun for me!
Ann Sabatine (Columbus, Ohio )
anns2700@gmail.com
Hi Ann! I'm on the East Coast. Glad you're coming back to the free(ish) state of FL! We love it, except for the hurricanes, July-Sept, and missing my kids. I was running protests from Mar 2020 to the end of the year, and the governor took the state woke and I wanted OUT! When you work online, you go where you're treated best, right? I haven't missed the snow at all, and I've lived without the skiing just fine. Just miss the people, and a much healthier population.