A Letter to Empty-Nesting Moms!

There IS Life After Kids

Many women have said something like this to me, though this mother really expressed herself well. Her message gets me in “all the feels.”

What she is experiencing is an actual syndrome, “empty nester syndrome” – that’s how common it is. I’ve been through a number of transitions, including that one, and survived them all.

I remember being in the car all by myself, after my divorce, when the kids were at their dad’s, as they suddenly were every other weekend–and getting the chills.

Because I was ALONE in the car. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been actually alone. It was a very strange and memorable feeling.

It makes sense, that some of us feel rudderless, when we get to the age our youngest child takes flight–when you consider how wholehearted most parents are, about the job.

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I remember going on “first dates” or being asked out, on a dating site, by several guys who told me, “My kids are my life!”

(To be  honest, it was a turn-off. If I ever considered getting married again–and I thought I never would–I wanted to be with someone who would consider life beyond children. Conversations that aren’t about the kids and grandkids.

My kids were a big part of my life, but they weren’t my life. My silent response–in my inside voice, of course–to the men who said this to me, was, “Well, you aren’t their life. And that’s as it should be. So, it might help, to get more going on in your life!”)

But. I cried every time each of my four children went to kindergarten. I’d see them to the classroom, hug them goodbye, walk back to my car, and cry for a while. Knowing that I’d never get their cute toddler and pre-school years back.

I actually grieved the whole year my youngest, Tennyson, was finishing high school and prepping for college. Knowing that soon, I’d live in a house with children’s voices and faces being rare. So, when it actually happened, I was ready for it–ready for my “next phase” of life.

We always had that phase coming, right?  When my son graduated and headed off for a summer sales job out of state, I was in a one-year-old romantic relationship, which culminated a couple years later in my second marriage. So, I had that going for me.

(I could point out here that giving DATING a try might serve. But I get it–some don’t want to. Dating is rough, too. Someone told me that midlife dating is “sifting through the broken-toy pile.” Ouch.)

I’d also been single for 9 years, so I didn’t have that additional adjustment going on when my last child flew the coop. I already had a small army of single-mom friends.

If you have MORE than one “life-changing event” (such as divorce, health or financial crisis, or cross-country move)--your challenges may be more significant.

I did move, an hour away. Sold the house and moved to Park City, and made all new friends. (The new boyfriend, now husband, surprised me by “coming with.”)

More than one big life change just means that you must be patient with yourself. And remind yourself that you will find the “new normal.” After a period of transition.

I’m kind of a plan-ahead girl, so I got my grieving over with, early. Let’s talk about things you can do, to get to a “new normal” with a lot of life purpose in front of you?

I know I’m not your therapist, but I could be – and maybe one of these ideas will resonate with you and help you see the way forward?

1. What would you do, if you could change careers? If you have an unfulfilling job, what if you started a new career? Many people go back to school and change careers, mid-life.

My cousin is launching her youngest, and just finished a counseling masters degree and just got her first job as a school counselor. 

Medical freedom activist Tom Renz went to law school in his 40’s, and has become a powerhouse in fighting for the right to choose what medical products you do, or don’t, want.

You CAN have a re-do! Lots of help exists, for people going back to school, mid-life.

I went to grad school with LOTS of mid-life students, and they made better therapists than I did. In fact, my graduate school openly favored them in the application process, over us young’uns! They knew that life experience is more useful than book learning, in counseling others.

Frankly, clients/patients favor older therapists, too. When I went to a therapist for my marriage or a child, I sized them up based on, “Are they as old or older than I am?” And “Are they married, or at least have been?” Also: “Are they parents?”

In trying to choose who I wanted to work with, I’d judge them as knowing less than I did, if they were much younger. Degrees are nice, but there’s no substitute for lived experience. If I hire a lawyer, I always vet them with a criteria being, “at least 10 years out of law school.

2. What’s an interesting or challenging hobby you gave up years ago? Go to Meetup, and you’re sure to find a group who loves that hobby, too. They probably meet across town, twice a month! Or just join a group with an interest you’ve never delved into, but you have even moderate curiosity about!

(For example, how about those civil war re-enactment folks? I don’t want to do it, personally, but we have a friend who is so into it, and I love hearing him talk about the Civil War and show us his collection of 200-year-old woolen military uniforms.)

3. Turn off the TV, put hard limits on idle social media time – and start learning about world history, or take up some activism, or go on YouTube or another video platform to learn.

Search on a topic you’ve always wondered about, rather than idly scrolling your Facebook feed. Like why those people think the earth isn’t really round. (Or anything you hear about, and wonder about!)

People who lose their curiosity and quit learning–are slowly dying. Mental flexibility and new learning makes us more enjoyable, in relationships, and it happens from using our minds. (“Use it or lose it!”)

It’s a choice, to keep our minds sharp. Fast food and pharmaceuticals make us dumber–but the TV dumbs us down, too. You’re probably already on the right track, if you’ve even read this far. Once I read that 65% of America hasn’t read a full-length book since high school.

4. Love someone in their love language. If your life looks like cardboard after the kids leave, what if you shocked your spouse (or a friend) by making a spectacular meal, pulling out some lingerie and candles, writing a love letter, or just mixing it up in some way that will delight someone else, in their own “love language?”

(Or heck, read up on the Love Languages, and try to meet people you love, in their own “language.”)

When we get depressed, the most surefire way out is through service of others, and less self-preoccupation. Which brings me to:

5. Do some volunteer service. There’s the Humane Society and many other organizations that serve animals, but there’s also an endless need for volunteers to help immigrants, babies, children, single moms, families, and seniors. You can create your own service project.

When I was in college, I’d put a bucket together of my cleaning supplies, and head over to a low-income apartment building full of seniors, and knock on doors until someone wanted my help cleaning their place, for free. It was fun, memorable, and educational.

I made a friend named Laura whom I helped for a couple of years before she ended up in a facility. She blessed my life at least as much as I may have blessed hers–because seniors have amazing stories!

I’ve also gone to nursing homes and played them the piano. Both adventures were fun, and I enjoyed talking to them and hearing stories from their lives. And trying to play music from their era.

6. Read some great books on grandparenting. Guess what, it’s a whole new skill set. You don’t have much authority, with “the grands.” But you DO have impact. My grandmother, Eleanor Brown Romney, had the earliest and most important impact on my health journey (now career), as she chose the “road less traveled” and skipped the chemo and radiation, after being diagnosed with cancer.

Lots has been written about grandparenting, so why not learn? It’s the most similar topic, to the one you invested in so much–parenting! 

7. Write your life history. Start at the beginning. Your great-grandchildren may never meet you. So, what do you want them to know about you? Don’t leave it to the “telephone game,” where your voice and true story isn’t what stands the test of time. My grandmother took her own life at the age of 33, and I’d give anything to have the written story of her life.

These are just ideas, and they all have one thing in common. They’re something you already know, because there’s been a time before, in your life, that you had to dig deep, and pull yourself out of a slump, or a rut.

So, action taking is needed, and then the new energy created will take you the rest of the way. Maybe just one of the ideas above will resonate with you. One is all you need.

Once you get going, with a “project”--you’ll get excited about life again, and more ideas will come to you. Action takers are the happiest in life–that, and people who are content with what they have. What if we take action AND learn to be grateful for all we have?

I think a lot about the 25 years of parenting I did, and just enjoy my memories of it–what an adventure that was, for half my life!

Here’s a pic of my kids at Christmas. (There’s a boyfriend, the shorter guy–and a girlfriend, seated, in the pic, too.) 

I wasn’t with them at Christmas. My husband and I were walking all over St. Augustine and trying the restaurants, staying in a renovated attic, in a bed-n-breakfast. Impromptu, I led a group of Mormon missionaries in singing “Joy to the World” in the oldest park in America.

There is life beyond parenting. God bless you for giving your heart and soul to the job. Good parents sending principled young people out there in the world blesses us all.

I consider young parents to be the new heroes. Those still willing to have children, to ensure the future of humanity–and so many young parents are now choosing to educate their kids, rather than delegating them to the state, too.

I know you’ll find peace and a “new normal,” just by venturing out, and giving something new a try.

Thank you for subscribing. May God bless you and yours in 2023, the new year. And, please assume that some of the links I may share, compensate my small business.