How To Find A Good Therapist

For You Or Your Child

Recently, in a huge email thread I’m in of doctors, lawyers, and medical freedom activists, started by Bobby Kennedy, an MD asked:

“How do I find a non-woke therapist?” For his depressed pre-teen.

I’ve used my response to him, to give you some pointers, if you, your marriage, or your child is struggling and you need a good therapist.

I’m a former psychotherapist. Many of my colleagues in grad school were just professional students avoiding the workforce, on grants, or being financed by affluent parents. Some of them, I wouldn't send any kid to, or go to, for any reason.

Two of my fellow students I was in class with, for three years, were in miserable marriages, and had an affair, right in front of us all. These were people training how to support marriages and families, and mend relationships.

Point is, therapists are just people. With some training. The questions I ask of doctors, therapists, dentists and other professionals–are pretty unconventional.

(I ask them where they graduated in their class. I’ve had practitioners with 20 years of experience say, “Nobody has ever asked me that!” Yeah, well, I don’t want to hire somebody who graduated at the bottom 10%. And yes, I’ve had a dentist dump me as a patient, before my first appointment, as maybe she just wants the “easy” patients. Fair enough, wrong dentist for me.)

There's no "weeder" process to make sure the therapist is a moral, wise, and principled person. If you put your 4,000 hours in, you get the license.

When you get out of grad school, especially if you’re in your 20’s, you won’t find a job except in government institutions. Upper middle-class people are more involved, choosing a better therapist–they want a therapist with life experience and a great reputation for helping people.

Nobody tells you this in grad school, but it’s fairly obvious to anyone over 40: a parent with a troubled adolescent prefers a therapist who has raised teenagers. I learned a lot more from raising four children to adulthood, than I did in grad school. By miles.

A 50-yo couple seeking marriage counseling does not choose a 27-yo therapist.

The jobs available to newly minted therapists and psychologists are in environments where the clients are dependent on a system and don’t have much “say” about who they work with. Think schools, psychiatric hospitals, and prisons.

If you put your time in, in those workplaces, for 10 or 20 years or more, you may be able to go out on your own and do private practice.

You're going to have to find someone in your state, even if you’re okay with doing virtual sessions, as your therapist has to be state licensed to treat a child in that state.

It’s always wise to have you or your child do a few face-to-face visits, as there’s no substitute for the energetic connection and bond between two people spending time together in the same room. So, narrow down your search to locals only.

Ask around. Who has a therapist they love? Why do they love them? What did they help them with? Are they woke?

(Most, and I do mean the VAST majority, of psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists, are heavily indoctrinated to be woke. They take that indoctrination up like a flag, believing with all their hearts they are speaking for the disenfranchised. Challenge the gender-affirming orthodoxy as a psychotherapist, and expect to become the “untouchable” in your profession, and ultimately maybe even lose your license.)

Don’t "out" the therapist (as “non-woke” etc) online. While graduate school deeply indoctrinates students into woke ideologies, so do the government institutions they’ll work in, during their early years or decades.

But a few begin thinking for themselves, as the years go by.

They may have other influences such as a religious background, and raising a family, themselves. You are more likely to find a like-minded therapist who is 50+, versus the Millennial therapists.

Therapists who are not on board with the “gender affirming” etc agenda have sometimes quit doing psychotherapy with teens or anyone struggling with gender dysphoria.

They may be avoiding working with those populations to avoid getting sentenced to "re-education” or having their license to practice threatened. (Famously, Dr. Jordan Peterson in the Canadian gun sites, to make an example of him; he's not even doing clinical work any more.)

But if I were you, I'd start by looking for a GOOD therapist, by referral in your local area. (Again, even for virtual sessions, that therapist has to be licensed in YOUR state.)

Start there. A therapist with 20+ years of experience, not those who are burned out (65+ yo, often) but have strong life experience / wisdom (senior career level, age 40-60) ... and THEN vet them further, from there.

You can't just look for a non-woke practitioner because there are great, good, subpar and terrible therapists out there. Woke and non-woke.

And then call or email those therapists and ask if they support patients without conditioning them towards questioning their gender, etc.

Tell them your own stance or concerns, if you're looking for treatment of depression in a teen, or marriage repair, or working with trauma–ask if they have strong experience with that and what practice modalities they use.

Do they do EMDR (especially for trauma)? Talk therapy? Play therapy for the young? Behavioral therapy? Gestalt? Freud and Jung? Child development theories of Piaget? Do they run group therapy for certain populations?

Obviously these are big topics beyond the scope of this blog post, but learn what their influences are, what their philosophies of intervention are.

Some therapists are very specialized; for instance, I know therapists my age who have worked only in drug and alcohol rehab. If you’re looking for help for a depressed 14-yo, those therapists may not be right for you. 

If you want to go deeper, ask them if they know and use Dr. Sue Johnson’s EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). Ask if they know the work of Dr. John Gottman, a living legend and the most evidence-based therapist alive, IMO.

If they have no clue who either of these are, honestly I think you’re dealing with a subpar clinician doing her thing and not doing continuing ed. It’s kind of a “trick question” you can ask, if you want.

(Also, read the books of those two. Be the therapist to your own child, or your marriage, best you can. Listening to Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, and John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work on Audible are worth 30 private sessions with a great therapist, again IMO.

Tell the potential therapist clearly that you don't want your child questioned about anything to do with gender or sexuality -- or ask a couple of open-ended questions and just let them talk. You'll be able to read between the lines.

The therapists age 40+ have usually been married, had children (I would highly prefer a therapist who has HAD adolescent children, at least as important as credentials) and have thriving private practices.

The crappiest therapists are punching a clock working for local, state and federal governments, for decades. Generally speaking.

The best therapists are in private practice, and you may face a waitlist. If you can cash pay, tell them that, and their waitlist might get a lot shorter.

So I'd be trying to narrow it down starting with other criteria than their “gender affirming” position, etc. Like whether you can even get into that practice a local friend may refer you to.

A local MD I met recently who specializes in prescribing people medical marijuana cards begged me to come back to the practice of psychotherapy because he can't find anyone to send his patients to. All the good practices are full, he said.

So those are your first hurdles. THEN ask the therapist what their position is on woke ideology after being clear on your own position or concern, and ask if they'll agree to leave gender / sexuality out of the counseling.

Also be aware that therapists don't want to take clients who have "problem parents" (bossy helicopter parents). So, of course, use your best communication skills.

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